Happy Halloween!

Good Morning,

Here is our Halloween cat. She is getting so tired of me pointing the camera at her, but she is so cute.

I was tired yesterday, but the girls and I decided to go to the Irvine Spectrum for lunch. It was fun watching people and there were some people dressed up. Marissa went to see Zombieland with a friend yesterday. I took a nap and did a bunch of work on editing photos. The girls and I stayed home last night. It was nice. Rory went out. We did get our pumpkin and Mari did a beautiful job on carving it.

I have to remember how blessed I am, because right now, I feel very depressed at the double life I have to live. I have to be Rory's caregiver and wife. The way he is, I don't want to be that. I have already vented on another site, so I won't do it here. I have a life I love. Taking pictures, doing things with and for the girls and going to school, doing things for friends and spending time with friends.

Anyway, moving on. Enjoy Halloween and the fun of it and don't forget to turn the clocks back.

Trudi

Friday

Good Morning,

Today is the day before Halloween. We are going to get our pumpkin today. Rory is going to Five Crowns to a Murder Mystery Dinner theatre. Mari and I are going to CR and Marissa is going to a movie with a friend and probably stay home tonight.

Yesterday, I had lunch with some friends, which was fun. Rory had his colonscopy, which went ok, and then he had to go to work. The medical staff did not tell him how to do it correctly, but oh well. Marissa went to work yesterday afternoon and Mari went to school last night. Last night Rory came home and started complaining about what was for dinner. What he really wanted was meat. I told him I would make him a steak and told me, no! I told him we were having soup and that is what he wanted and I ended up putting pasta in the soup. Complain! Complain! Complain! I am tired of it!

One of my favorite seasons

Good Morning,

This picture was taken on our Sequoia trip at Meridian winery just outside of Paso Robles.

Yesterday once I got past the rush of getting Rory on a liquid diet and the girls on to the bus, it was a relaxing day. I got to do my own thing for a while and then picked up the girls from school and then we went to Costco, Target and El Pollo for dinner. I was supposed to feed a family last night, but I could not get in touch with them. Watched America's next top model and then to bed. Rory has his colonoscopy today and then he is headed for work. I am having lunch with a couple of friends. Mainly quiet day!

The wind is blowing

Good Morning,

This picture was taken at a park near me about 3 weeks ago. I went by the tree this morning and the leaves on this same tree are not green anymore and alot of the leaves are gone.

The news around here today is that Rory is having a colonoscopy(?) tomorrow, so he is on a liquid diet. Oh such fun! I didn't realize what he needed, so I had to rush to the store this morning and get jello and broth. The girls have school this morning and I will pick them up and we will go to Costco. I am feeding a family tonight, besides my own.

Yesterday, I went to see the psychologist. It was a good session, like normal. The only way I can survive living with Rory is to treat him as my patient and I am the caregiver. She asked me, if he was to do a 180 in his actions and thinking, would that make any difference. I don't know at this point. If nothing could fail, at this point, I would want to live on my own with the girls, do my photography and organizing. This takes a big load off of me, to look at it this way.

Changing

Good Morning,

This is another picture of the fire two years ago. This is looking up the hill near our house.

Yesterday was a great day. Took the girls to school and then went over and picked up Janean and we went up to Whittier and took pictures of architecture and then worked ourselves home. It was a great day. Came home and got dinner together. In the past, I have been taking dinner on a tray up to Rory in our bedroom, after the input of a number of people, I have decided I will make dinner, but not take it up to him on a tray. I did it yesterday and of course he complained. He has been saying that he wanted to hire someone that could cook for him and bring his meals up to him on a tray. I told him he could hire this person if he wanted and later he said he wouldn't be doing this. Went to CR last night.

Today is mainly a day at home.

History

Good Morning,

Last night we had some winds. I had been wondering when we were going to get our Santa Ana winds. It also brought back memories of the fires we had two years ago. This picture was taken in Foothill Ranch looking at the "hills" behind Ralph's. You can tell how the wind was blowing from the flag.

I ran errands with Marissa yesterday morning and then helped Susan with her storage unit. I came home and took a nap. Rory and Mari was watching a video of when the girls were babies(his favorite thing to do). I was trying to do what I needed to do. I felt very down in the dumps yesterday. I have been feeling like I have no real purpose. Yes, I know one of my purposes is to take care of my family, but I am not a housekeeper or a servant. I am angry with Rory. I want him to be independent and he is not and I have no respect for that. He is an adult and he could do things on his own. He is also irresponsible. I do not mind doing some things for the girls. I am going to look for a part time job for myself.

Long term goals are to write a book, I think called My Journey to Photography and go for the travel certificate. I also want to really improve on my photography. I have to remember one step at a time. I need to be kept accountable to keep me going. My dream is to use this house as a home base and to be able to see the world. Anyone want to help?

Surrendering to God

Good Morning,

I took this picture in Corona del Mar, the day I put Rory on the plane to Vegas. I feel like the rock looks like a cat looking out to the ocean to see what is coming.

Yesterday was an overall good day. I worked alot on my photos and spent some time on the computer. Marissa had to be at work at 12:30, so the girls and I went out to lunch and then she went to work and Mari and I went to Target and did some shopping and had fun looking at Halloween stuff. Came home and did house stuff, picked up Marissa and came back home for the rest of the day. Rory got called into work. YEA!

As I think I said before, when Rory spent the $2800 in Vegas, that brought all of the memories from back in 1990, when he first started gambling. He would be gone over night and would make up excuses of where he was. Yesterday, I was going through a box of my dad's records from the last 3 years of his life. We were going through financial horrors at that time and I was also losing my best friend. It was a difficult time and all of those memories have been coming back. I feel very insecure. I just have to trust in God, as I know He is taking care of me.

Moving forward. Trudi

Dreaming

Good Morning,

I am picturing myself sitting on this bench, looking out at the ocean and just relaxing. Being able to read and just enjoy. Not having arguments with anyone and not hearing someone constantly talking. Not having to do anything for anyone. Oh that would be so NICE.

Yesterday, I had coffee with a friend. The girls and Rory went to see movies and I actually took a nap. I am trying to take naps only when I really need them. Last night, Mari and I went to CR. Spent some time talking to a friend. I will be so thankful when Rory goes to work. He is working this Wednesday and Thursday, I hope!

Where is this path taking me?

Good Morning,

Where is this path taking me? I am totally enjoying photography and each day it grows, as I find new things. I know God has blessed us and I am able to find new things.

Yesterday, Marissa and I got our hair done and then I had lunch with a friend. Mari decided to go later to school, so I took her to and from school. We had some wonderful conversations. I am so blessed to have two wonderful daughters. They may frustrate me at times, but overall I am blessed. This morning, I had coffee with another friend from CR. The rest of the day is mine to do with what I want. Tonight is CR.

Have a wonderful Friday and be thankful for what you have!

Good Morning, These pictures were taken on our trip down the coast on Sunday.

Yesterday I did get to go Dana Point and take some pictures and just have some quiet time. It was great and the weather was beautiful. Last night, Rory and I had a major disagreement over a soda can. It wasn't really over the soda can, it was about him not working for about a month, the Las Vegas trip being a bust and Michael not calling back. For me it was about a lack of respect. I don't need to be yelled at.

Today, so far, is being good. Marissa and I had our hair done and I am having lunch with a girlfriend. Mari goes to school this afternoon and I will pick her up tonight.

Enough for now. Trudi

Good Morning,

Yesterday was mainly a day at home. I got a lot of things done, which felt good. I finally got a chance to talk to Rory and he needs to deal with his anger, but that is not for me to do. I had my travel class last night and I got 100% on the test we took.

Today, I am taking the girls to school and then I am headed to a farm, where a friend of mine works and pick up some produce and then head for Dana Point, have lunch, take some pictures and have some quiet time. That is the extent of my day, well with the exception of our cleaning people coming today and taking Marissa to get her schedule.

Storm Clouds

Good Morning,

This is where my head is at. After getting home from a wonderful weekend, I looked at our bank account and found out that Rory in total had taken out $2800 while in Vegas over the weekend. I am furious and it brings back alot of unpleasant memories. Sometimes I wonder if Rory is bipolar, as his moods swing from one side to the other. Yesterday morning when I talked to him, he was saying he needs to find something else to do and he wanted me to find that other thing, which I said forget it. Last night after he got home, he just wants to lay around and do nothing but watch TV. After traveling, he is saying that he is tired, minor detail, it is 10:30 p.m. This morning he is going to the doctor, I don't know what that is going to do. He did get sick while in Vegas. I need to focus on my stuff. Thank you for letting me vent.

Super weekend

This is a sample of what our weekend was like. We left on Friday from a very hot Southern California and went up to Central California. I had three wonderful traveling companions. We went to Mimi's Cafe for dinner on Friday and we all got carded. The next day we headed to Sequoia to see some very LARGE trees and on Sunday we went over to the coast and headed home. Went by a winery as well.

Thank you Mari, Marissa and Janean for a great weekend.

Peacefulness

Good Morning,

It has been an enjoyable, peaceful week. Today is the last day of photo class and I am so glad I took this class and I have learned so much from this class. I plan to go on from here.

Rory has gotten sick a couple of times this week, while in Vegas, but I don't have to take care of him, as he is not here. I feel back to my old self, of wanting to be with people and not isolating in the house or sleeping all the time.

I am looking forward to this weekend of getting away and spending time with my girls and a friend and seeing nature, hopefully some fall foliage. I plan to take lots of pictures.

Relaxing day

Good Morning,

It has been a nice relaxing few days. Sunday, we spent most of the day at home. Marissa went to work Sunday night and Mari and I went over to Tustin to take some pictures. Yesterday, the girls went to school and I went out to RSM lake to walk and take pictures.

Since Rory has been gone, I am learning that when he is here, I need to find quiet peaceful places to take pictures and do some reading and journaling. I have come up with several places. They are RSM lake, Dana Point harbor, Treasure Island(thank you Janean) and Corona del Mar.

Off to enjoy. Trudi

Freedom

Hello,

It is a wonderful Saturday afternoon. I dropped Rory off at the airport this morning and the girls and I have 9 days of freedom. After I dropped him off, I went down Newport/Corona del Mar and shot some pictures of the ocean. I am learning this is my favorite places to take pictures. I feel totally relaxed. Worked myself home and took Mari to work and then got lunch. Came home, had lunch and took a nap and now I am just doing things around the house. The girls and I have really nothing planned for today, just relax. No one demanding anything! YEA!

Freedom

Hello,

Learning-Excuses

Good Morning,

I am starting to read some devotionals on choices and last night I read the first one in this series and it came from Genesis and how Adam passed the buck to Eve and Eve passed the buck to the serpent. I have really developed an interest in photography and I am afraid to move forward and I make excuses and put everyone in my family and my friends in front of myself. I want to do photography and everyone has said how good the pictures I take are, but I am afraid to move forward. I have too many other things to do. Yesterday after I dropped the girls off at school and I went to Costco and got lunch, I did go through the canyon and take pictures. I have felt like I was in a box, but it was myself who put me in the box. I always feel like I am supposed to be doing something else.

Rory saw Michael yesterday and I get concerned I will have to go back to work and I don't know if I could go back to an 8 hour a day job. I know I cannot go back to appraising, as God has closed the door to that. I need to use this time, just in case, I do need to do some paying work, to build my skills in photography.

Here is another excuse I am using. Mari went on a walk with a friend and we were talking about doing excercise and I was making excuses why I couldn't do that. HELP! I need someone to push me not to make excuses for everything.

Cool, Sunny Morning

Good Morning,

This is in a sense a relaxed day. I have travel class tonight and we have a quiz and then we start talking about France.

I overall enjoy Mondays. The girls have school all day and I have alone time. I did house stuff yesterday and also did my photography. I get frustrated, as I want to really get out and take pictures and travel. I guess I am not dealing with reality. I came home from step study last night and was frustrated. I really like to get to bed about 10. I ended up talking to friends and then when I got home, I talked to Mari and then Rory wanted tea. I wish he could do things for himself, but he is not that way. He wants everything done for him. There are times, when I am tired and frustrated and I really do not want to do things for anybody except myself. I know, in many ways that is being selfish, but in other ways that is taking care of me.

So I don't get frustrated with myself today, I had better get moving on my day.

God's day

Good Morning,

I am not sure what I feel today. I have a friend who is driving back to Utah and will be separating from her husband and will not be back to stay in the house she has lived in for a long time. I have a friend who is struggling financially and I have another friend who is separating from her husband. God has blessed us financially, but I feel like I just live with the man I am married to. In many ways, I would like to leave as well, but as I have no job that would not be a swift idea. I cannot go back to appraising. I want to reach out and make all things better for my friends, but I know I cannot fix it for any of the them. I can be there as a listening ear.

This picture I took on our Tahoe trip and it gives me peace. I am only planning one thing today and that is going to the PICs ministry meeting. I am not sure if that is where I should be either.

Lord, I am putting today in Your hands.